One moment they’re here, a warm presence by your side, and the next, an unimaginable emptiness fills the space where they used to be. Is this familiar to you? I’m so very sorry if it is. Sadly, for me, this has happened three times in the past five years. It’s unimaginable and feels like such a terrible string of very bad luck.
The silent void left after the sudden death of a beloved pet can shatter your world in a way few other losses can. Believe me, I know. Their joyful presence felt like a constant. In an ever-changing, unpredictable world their being-ness was something reliable, a true comfort to the soul. Then abruptly, that presence is gone, leaving you adrift in a sea of grief.
The sudden death of a pet can be a traumatizing experience. And on top of that, the depths of grief, shock, and numbness you may feel after such a loss, can leave you feeling isolated in a dark abyss of despair. I write today as a former abyss-dweller. Pet loss is hard, regardless of the circumstances. Yet, when the death is sudden, unexpected, or unspeakably tragic, the level of difficulty in coping is amplified exponentially. We can be left feeling terrified of other bad things happening without warning. We can easily slip into a state of hyper-vigilance or a state of disassociated shut-down. In these states, our nervous system is working to protect us, and it can make even the simplest of life tasks feel akin to climbing Mount Everest.
Is It Normal to Grieve a Pet This Much?
All responses to loss are normal. Grief and loss are the wild west of emotions; you never know who might show up. If you are struggling to function in your daily life after the sudden death of a pet, you are not alone. Your body and mind are having a normal response to a traumatic event. Your body is simply trying to keep you safe. While this response is normal and expected, it can be very uncomfortable, especially when it keeps you from keeping up with daily tasks of living a life, caring for your loved ones, self-included.
Self Compassion While Grieving
One of the best gifts you can give yourself during this time is the gift of being gentle on yourself. Think of all the compassion you extended to your cherished animal during their lifetime. Can you extend some of that same compassion to yourself right now? Mourning and grieving are hard tasks, but self-judgement makes them harder. If you can be kind to yourself right now, it will help you so much.
How to Cope With Sudden Pet Loss
In addition to being compassionate with yourself, there are other things you can do to help yourself through the darkest days, when you may feel overwhelmed, shutdown, or numb to all life. These are very simple, small action steps that will activate your parasympathetic nervous system and that in turn will give your body what it needs to move through this difficult time.
When you feel absolutely stuck, try one or more of these:
- Take a cool shower
- Hum your favorite song
- Go outside and listen to birds singing
- Inhale for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 7 seconds, and slowly exhale for 8 seconds, do this three times
- Ask someone for a 10 second hug or give yourself a big hug
- Drink 8 ounces of cold water
These small action steps will help pull your nervous system out of its state of shutdown and that will feel like a huge relief to your shocked body.
Pet Loss Grief: How Long Does It Last?
Everyone mourns and grieves the sudden death of a pet at different paces and time frames. You are the ultimate expert on your own needs. You will know when you are ready for more action steps, and you will also know when you aren’t quite ready. Please take your time and let your inner guidance lead you on this path. When you’re ready for practical steps and exercises, you can follow the guided healing journey laid out in the Biscuit & Bertie Comfort Box. All affirmations, prompts, and exercises are designed to support your healing from the heartbreak of losing a cherished animal companion.
Pet Loss and Your Mental Health
You can also find support and help with a pet bereavement counselor. As we become more aware of the deep, profound pain of pet loss, this new career specialty is emerging to fulfill a much-needed gap in mental health services.
Here are two counselors whom I admire very much as they provide the in-depth support after the death of a pet:
- Honoring Our Animals, Beth Bigler, Pet Loss Grief Counselor
- Lisa Havelin Counseling, Pet Loss Support
Pet Loss Grief: An Emotional Roller Coaster
Managing the many emotions after the sudden death of a pet can feel overwhelming and intense. If you are uncomfortable experiencing your emotions when everything is going fine, it will be quite challenging to navigate the emotional roller coaster that ensues after the sudden death of a pet. You might find yourself losing your cool with people in line at the grocery store or channeling the anger you’re resisting by yelling at the driver in front of you during your morning commute. Don’t worry, you’re not the only one. It’s okay to experience big, scary, uncomfortable emotions. Anger, rage, despair, guilt, regret, sadness, confusion, disorientation, loneliness, and isolation, are just some of the emotions you might feel after the sudden death of a pet.
These emotions can be processed by first being aware of them. You can also get curious about the emotion. Do you feel it somewhere in your body? Does it have a color or shape? It’s often helpful to identify emotions in this way and write about them in a journal, this process can help release the emotions from your mind and body.
Remember that emotions are fleeting guests. They want to be welcomed, understood, and then they are happy to leave. When we resist their presence, they become louder, more distracting, and they will continue to steal our energy until we acknowledge them.
Grief is a Journey, Not a Destination
Grief is like the ocean – some days are sunny and the waters are calm. Other days you tumble and end up with sand in your swimsuit and a mouth full of seaweed. -Britt Frank
Grief is not a destination that you reach. It’s not like that. Grief is a journey and eventually the journey becomes easier and more lighthearted. I recently read The Science of Stuck by Britt Frank, and in it she says this about grief: “Grief is like the ocean – some days are sunny and the waters are calm. Other days you tumble and end up with sand in your swimsuit and a mouth full of seaweed.” What an accurate description of the journey that is grief. You will eventually get to a place where you have more sunny days than choppy ones. In the meantime, remember to extend the same compassion to yourself, that you so freely gave to your special furry family member.
If I can offer you grief support along your journey, please reach out to me on Instagram at @BiscuitandBertie.
With compassion,
Annie Ballantine
