Someone you love has lost their dog or cat, their soul animal, an essential part of their furry family. What do you do? How can you help? Oftentimes when someone we love is suffering, we want to do something, anything. Yet the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing can paralyze us from showing up for someone when they are most in need.
My husband struggles with this; he often gets so concerned about saying the wrong thing, that he says nothing. Every time I notice him in one of those situations, I remind him that doing or saying nothing can feel like not caring, to the grieving person.
If you too feel concerned about how to show support, I have put together some basic guidelines for helping a friend or loved one who has lost a beloved pet:
- Do or say something: As human beings, we have a deep-rooted desire to be seen and understood by our fellow humans. Never underestimate the power of a simple phone call, text message, or direct message to tell someone that you are thinking of them and holding them close at heart. If you are considered part of the griever’s inner circle, reach out every day, or every other day, just to let them know that they are on your mind. Keep in mind that your loved one may not have the capacity to respond, or answer the phone. There’s no need to take silence personally, or as a sign that they don’t want support. If you’re concerned about reaching out too often, just ask them “is it alright if I text you some encouragement each day?” They will let you know if it’s not ok.
- Be sensitive to timing. Usually, when a loss is fresh, there is a lot of support – meals, flowers, cards, etc. By the time someone is two weeks into their mourning or grieving, that show of support is no longer a daily occurrence. This can be really hard for someone who is living with the loss; it can feel as though the world has moved on without them. One of the kindest supportive gestures that I received two weeks after my father-in-law passed away was an unexpected arrangement of orchids. My friend who sent them said she didn’t want my husband and I to assume that our grief was forgotten. Just thinking about that act of friendship warms my heart, 11 years later.
- Ask what they need. It hasn’t even been two weeks since my soul cat, Tango, suddenly died. I still feel in shock and disbelief. I keep thinking I will walk past my sunroom and see him sleeping in his favorite spot. One of the kindest questions I received when I shared the news of my loss, was “how can I make you feel loved right now?” Melt! My! Heart! I didn’t even know how to respond to the question as I was so paralyzed by shock. Just being asked that question helped me immensely and the asking in itself made me feel so loved.
- People still need to eat. Mourning and grieving are exhausting. Just getting out of bed and taking a shower can feel like climbing a mountain, when dealing with the gravity of pet loss. If you want to show support to a friend or loved one, food is a wonderful option. Just keep it easy and simple – try sending Uber Eats or drop off something that can be put in the microwave for a nourishing, effortless meal.
- Keep your questions to yourself. Right after a significant loss, a grieving person has very limited energy and the worst use of that energy is to answer questions. I know you want to understand what happened, or how things unfolded, or if he was sick, or whatever. Now is not the time. There will be time for questions when your loved one feels more stable but right now, avoid inquiries unless they are invited.
- Judgement free is the way to be. Intense grief opens a Pandora’s box of strong emotions. Sadness, depression, denial – of course. But anger, rage, and guilt are also extremely common. If your loved one is sharing some of these feelings with you – just listen. You don’t need to explain them away, or tell them they shouldn’t feel that way. “I understand” or “it’s ok” are two of the best verbal gifts that you can offer to someone who is grieving hard.
- Your friend needs you; show up. Navigating the aftermath of a pet’s death is disorienting; it’s the type of loss that shatters one’s heart, and rocks their whole world. Showing up for a friend or loved one in need is never a mistake, so just do it. It’s best to show up in a way that feels authentic to you. In the end, it’s not about what you do, or what you send, to show your support, what matters is your intention behind the action or gift.
When we deeply love a dog or cat, and they are no longer with us in physical form, we are reminded of their absence constantly. It can feel like an endless barrage of loss. Every reminder: an empty dish, or an abandoned favorite toy, an aftershock, just waiting to throw us off kilter. This is why consistent, loving support is crucial to finding one’s way through the immense grief that follows. It’s exactly the reason that I created the Biscuit & Bertie Comfort Box – a supportive, understanding companion for the grieving journey.
I dedicate this blog post to my beloved soul cat, Tango. I love you, Tangy boy, and I will never stop missing you and your beautiful blue eyes.
With love,
Annie
